DOMestic Bdsm and Female Domination

I'm brand new to the site, but experienced in BDSM. My
understanding of "topping from the bottom" is when the bottom,
the passive or receiving partner, attempts to direct the scene
and to tell the top what to do. This is very distinct from
negotiating or setting limits beforehand.

As an example, suppose a top and bottom agree she'll use both a
paddle and a cane on the lucky submissive. If he didn't explain
he likes thud (paddle) and wanted to explore limits of sting
(cane) beforehand, he'd probably be considered topping from the
bottom if he insisted on "More thud, less sting" while she was
exercising her caning skills.

There are gray areas. My Superior was cropping me one night and
kept striking the same spot again and again. Eventually, it hurt
so much I asked her to please hit me somewhere else. She
refused. I tried to endure, but I was beyond my comfort zone. I
finally said "I'm using my safeword for that spot, not the whole
scene," then said my safeword. She relented and covered the rest
of my grateful bum with the leather. We had an inconclusive
discussion afterwards.

What do the rest of you think? Was I topping from the bottom,
informing and begging (as I thought I was), or negotiating after
the fact? As a switch, I'm very aware of the need to care for
your bottoms.

michele

The way I see BDSM is that there are two different components -
Dom/sub and S/M (giving and receiving pain).

I think of the words top and bottom as applying to the S/M part.
Those taking part in S/M may or may not also enjoy Dom / sub.

A dominant may enjoy the sensations of being whipped, and so
sometimes be a bottom. Perhaps in such a situation it is
appropriate for the Dom to give direction to the top (who might
be their sub).

Where, in my opinion, the terminology breaks down is when
"topping from the bottom" is used to refer to a sub who tries to
influence the activities. If this couple don't do any S/M, then
neither are a top or a bottom.

Unfortunately "topping from the bottom" is so commonly used to
also mean "dominating from the submissive" that we are probably
stuck with it.

The example given by micheleFFS is a good one for showing how
BDSM has different viewpoints.

I think that there will be some who think that it is appropriate for a top
to do whatever they want until a Safe Word is used.

But if I was micheleFFS I would be very unhappy with my top.

Though the BDSM ideal is of a top who does what they want (or a
Dominant that is 100% in control), I think that for many of us
we prefer our BDSM to be a little bit more (or a lot more) a
partnership.

I wish all those striving for the BDSM ideal good luck.

But for the rest of us I think the BDSM ideal lets some
tops/doms get away with not caring enough for their partner, and
I think the BDSM ideal leaves some bottoms/subs who feel unhappy
about how things are going thinking that it is their fault for
not meeting the BDSM ideal, and thus they should not just put up
with the behaviour, but should somehow try to embrace their
top/dom's behaviour.

Devotional Sex is based on everything being win-win. That is
both people enjoy what happens. This is an alternative to the
view of the perfect bottom/submissive who should just accept.

I think micheleFFS should decide what makes her happy as a
person. This might be to strive towards the BDSM ideal (and thus
she should accept her top's behaviour), or it can be to say that
in her interactions she wants more win-win, and so it is
appropriate to tell her top that she went too far.

Cheers,
Michael

Devotional Sex

topping from the bottom?

Well that means when the sub tries to control from the bottom.
i.e. he/she thinks he/she should be in control.

oh please ...

do hope this helps?

with much sadistic affection.

Ms. Irish

whose boy often tries this, then I either IGNORE HIM (which is
worse than anything I can do) or make him kneel on rice in the
bathroom.

micheleFFS wrote:

>it hurt so much I asked her to please hit me somewhere else.
>She refused. I tried to endure, but I was beyond my comfort
>zone. I finally said "I'm using my safeword for that spot, not
>the whole scene," -snip- Was I topping from the bottom

Michele,

That doesn't sound like topping from the bottom to me; what you
described was wanting to continue the scene but being physically
unable to continue with that part of it.

I've always considered topping from the bottom to be a matter of
a sub attempting to direct a domme, a kind of passive-aggressive
manipulation where the sub is in effect pretending to submit. He
or she may not even be aware of how they're attempting to hijack
the session. It's far more complicated than just saying, "Please
don't do that, it's too much." Likewise, I can't imagine too
many dommes being amused by it.

Soumis

micheleFFS wrote:

>it hurt so much I asked her to please hit me somewhere else.
>She refused. I tried to endure, but I was beyond my comfort
>zone. I finally said "I'm using my safeword for that spot, not
>the whole scene," -snip- Was I topping from the bottom

Using a safeword isn't topping from the bottom unless the sub is
attempting to control anything other than his/her own safety. If
you have let your top know that you have a safeword and your top
doesn't respect it I'd advise you to dump your top as quickly as
possible.

I'm making an assumption by your post that your top has
challenged you on this issue. If you give her the opportunity
she may very well decide to press her point in your next
session. If this is an inexperienced top who has not since given
you reason to believe she understands that ignoring your
safeword is a very bad idea, and an assurance that she will not
ignore you again, you should terminate your relationship. You
could be seriously injured physically or emotionally or both.

A domme or top who is paying attention to you will have a pretty
good idea when you're coming close to your edge. If they aren't
able to see what's going on with you and won't back off when you
safeword that puts you in a potentially dangerous situation.

If this is an experienced top I would not give her a second
chance to press the issue.

Madam

Thanks to you all for your comments on my experience.

Eventually, this Superior and I divorced, with many issues
involved. We are still friends, but without sex or play.

michele