DOMestic Bdsm and Female Domination

Replying to Ms. Yvonne on finding a sub.

You mentioned in your post that you live in Texas. There is a
wonderful organization there ClubFEM that is headquartered in
either Dallas or Houston. It is strictly a FemDom group with
many wonderful contacts. Their website address is

clubfem.com

Or you can google ClubFEM. I wish you the best of luck!

Yvonne King wrote:

>"I am looking on web sites, private parties, meet and greets. I
>find males who are surprised/resentful that I have a job,
>house, and car or is a selfish bottom faking the desire to
>submit. I know some men won't be interested in me because I am
>overweight. Fine, I have lived with that for a while. I am
>wondering what is wrong."

Maybe nothing is wrong. Maybe you're just not able to accurately
see what you're looking at. You may simply be allowing men to
tell you who they are instead of assessing them based on what
you see. Additionally, some men simply haven't come out yet or
may be unaware that they are or could be submissive. He may not
even realize that we may and usually do define submission as
something that goes well beyond sexuality.

When a man tells me he's this or that, I don't pay much
attention to him. The definition of submissive is very
subjective. Most men are sincere when they say they are
submissive but what they mean is that they are into you
controlling them sexually. Their submission evaporates along
with their orgasm and they're left right where you are. They are
resentful and feeling misled and even used and wondering where
they went wrong.

Try this. Go visit a dog park and watch dogs play. Pay attention
to who is the top or Alpha dog in the pack and how the other
dogs engage with the alpha. Be aware that as new dogs come into
the park the dynamic will change and often, the top dog will
change, too. Additionally, you'll see several groups/packs co-
existing and be able to see that essentially the dynamic
continues to change while some dogs always submit to some
individuals, while others switch, etc. You'll see that some dogs
are aggressive and that the other dogs will submit a little
differently when they come into contact with a dog who is not
only alpha but aggressive. After you have a good handle on the
behavior patterns you're ready to apply what you know to human
interactions.

You will begin to develop an ability to see submissives,
dominants and switches everywhere you look. They might not
necessarily be submissive, switch or dominant to you personally
but you will begin to recognize that humans also have pack
behavior and that the pack hierarchy can change with the
introduction of new members. You'll begin to see that some
people act out of assertion, some out of aggression and some out
of defense.

When you look at people in this light it becomes clearer to you
who are your likely submissive candidates.

When I found my submissive who is now also my husband we went to
dinner. He had nominal interest in the scene but I used a simple
test to determine if he would be truly submissive. I knew he
would be fun in a dungeon situation, but I wanted to know if he
would be submissive to me for the long term, at home, when no
one else was around to watch or impress.

If you've ever gone out to dinner with a friend you will know
that at every table there are territorial boundary lines which
everyone recognizes but no one really talks about. There's an
imaginary line across the center of the table. Your companion
has his territory and you have yours. For every person at the
table the boundaries are divided again. There's a neutral zone
where condiments, candles and flower vases sit.

It's not unusual for a submissive man to sit down at a table and
try to control where the neutral zone is. He may rearrange the
neutral items into a zone which is more comfortable for him -
off to the side, for example. As a side note, and I think many
dominant women will agree, many submissive men have a tendency
to be extremely controlling by nature. It is the relinquishing
of that control in their desire to please which makes the best
submissive.

My submissive and I sat down at the table and immediately he
began rearranging the neutral zone. He knew that our dinner was
to get to know each other as people, not to discuss playing. Who
was he, what was his life about; those are the kinds of things I
wanted to know.

Casually, I picked up the salt shaker and moved it into his
territory - onto his side of the table. I could see by his
repeated visual reference to the salt shaker that this was very
disturbing for him. It was a dilemma. Clearly, in his mind I'd
upset the natural order of things. Now it wasn't really the
natural order of things. It was only his idea of what the
natural order of things should be.

He eventually feigned nonchalance, picked up the shaker and
moved it back into the neutral zone he'd established when we
first sat down. I repeated the exercise. To him I was messing up
the way the table should look. But what I was really doing was
challenging his perceived sense of what normal is and whether or
not he would tolerate it. When I repeated the exercise a third
time he left the shaker where I put it. That was my idea of him
passing my test. Internally, he agreed to go with my vision of
normal. It was difficult for him. I could see him fighting the
impulse to rearrange things, but ultimately he submitted and
stopped trying to control.

Now that's pretty simplistic but you should know I've told many
women how to do this simple test. It has never been wrong.

In the case of my husband he has always tried to control. He has
always thought his idea of how things should be is the best way
to do things. And when I have made the decision that my way is
the best way he has always recapitulated and accepted my vision
of how things should be.

Over the long term (my submissive and I have been together
almost 13 years) my submissive's comfort zone has been
continually challenged by me. His response pattern has not
changed much. He will unassumingly try to do things (control
things) in a way that feel most comfortable to him. The
difference is that now his perspective includes what is most
comfortable to me. If I require a higher level of comfort he
will relinquish his control to suit me in the same way he did at
our first dinner.

It's an extremely simple and reliable test if you simply observe
his responses and you accept what he does as an indication of
his most basic self.

When you go to a club or to a website that is geared towards
dominants and submissives you're already in an arena where
people have a particular persona they are putting on. They are
acting in accordance with a pre-set image of how they see
themselves. How they see themselves may not necessarily be how
they actually are. So if you're looking for someone who wears
great costumes or who wants to crawl around behind you when
they're feeling sexual, a dungeon or play party or a Dom/sub
brunch is a great place to go. You may not necessarily find
someone who is truly submissive in a way that will suit your
need.

Some of the most driven, most competitive, most actualized men
are also the most submissive. Their inability to submit often
comes from being unable to find a woman who has her own drive to
self actualize and wants to harness the submissive's drive and
competitive instincts in a way that will enhance both of their
lives. In my opinion, that's the kind of guy to look for if what
you want is dominance and submission integrated into a practical
lifestyle. You can still take him to the dungeon or the play
parties or the brunches, but there's an underlying reality there
that enhances the rest.

Good luck. Let me know how you do with the test and if you have
questions about how to interpret the results.

Madam